"I'm tired of living by hoping, tired of coping."

JAP, age 30. Des Moines, IA.

Went to the Dr today. I keep having these chronic headaches and feel tired and grumpy all the time. I know it's probably related to my anxiety but I wanted to make sure it wasn't something more serious. They put me on Paxil. 12.5 mg, cr. This will be the second anxiety med they have had me try. I hope this one works because I am afraid I'm getting addicted to the Ativan. I am taking more of it than I should and the last thing I need is to become a friggin junky. I just want this world to end. I'm so stressed all the time about everything. Politics, religion, life, family, money, the car, food, the house, tuition, bills, all of it. I just want it to end so I don't have to deal with all of it. I want to go to Heaven where there is none of that crap. I don't want to want anymore. I don't want to be sad or angry anymore. I'm tired of being lied to. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want to have anymore panic attacks, and I don't want to take anymore pills. I don’t' want to smoke another cig, or drink another drink. I don’t want to watch another meaningless stupid show on TV., or listen to another song that makes me feel any emotion. I don't want to take down this friggin Christmas tree or celebrate another Christmas. I don't want to go through another New Year that brings nothing new. I'm tired of living by hoping, tired of coping. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of going to a meaningless job that brings me no joy. I'm tired of being scared that I'm raising a boy that will turn out to be just like his alcoholic dope head father, and his panic stricken mother. I want the legacy to stop but I don't feel strong enough to stop it. I'm tired of waking up everyday to a man that doesn't care enough about himself to even think of caring about me or his son. The fear of waking up alone grips me tighter though. I'm scared of waking up to God's face and not being able to explain the time that He has given to me or the child He trusted me to raise. I'm failing and I feel like Alice In Wonderland spinning don a hole of despair and grief and anger and that filth is to sticky to wash off.

I also have a poem I would like to share…I wrote this after I found out my husband had an affair and when the panic, depression and anger were at their worst…

My Rage is Out of Control

My rage is out of control!

Why don't you ever ask

You never ask how I'm feeling

Do you not care?

Do you not feel my anger, my questions, my stress?

Do you already know and you just don't care

Enough to feel or hear, what I have to say?

Love me or hate me but save me your indifference.

Stand up for what you did wrong

or get the F*** OUT!!!

I just need to feel passion.

Give me some feeling.

Give me some emotion of care.
I get nothing.

I beg you in my mind & you have no kindness to share with me.

I read so much sh*t and I try and share it,

But you don't even give it a second thought.

You don't want to better yourself or us.

You are stuck in a rut and you're dragging me down with you.

I'm growing out of you. I grew out of you and you knew it,

That's why you didn't care when you stuck your love in someone else

And accepted the devil into yourself.

You invited it into us and now it won't leave.

"I can get through the day but at night it seems everything catches up to me. "

JAP, age 30. Des Moines, IA.

My Belly Aches Blue - Lorazapam Flu (Lyrics from Blue October)

I wonder if I will ever be off the medication. I wonder if I even want to be. Do I want to get better? Do I like having this as an excuse to not socialize.

I am the definition of anti-social, yet I can't stand the thought of being alone. I hate to go to work, but I feel better when I'm there because I can focus on something else besides this "weirdness" I constantly feel inside me. Will I ever feel normal again?

It began when I was 17. I was driving home and all of sudden everything became like a video game. Nothing seemed real and the corners of my eyes started to turn black. The car was closing in on me. I pulled over, got out of the car and called my mom. Mom, Mom, something is wrong!! I can't breath, my vision is weird, I feel weird! Calm down, maybe you just haven't eaten good enough today, you do have a protein deficiency. Ok, ok, calm down. I'm right down the street from home. I can get there. I can get there. It happened a few more times. Once while driving on vacation with my boyfriend and we had to switch drivers while we were still driving so we didn't loose who we were following. I couldn't drive anymore, I was loosing it. I rolled down my window and spent the next hour with my face in the wind and my eyes closed.

It didn't happen again until a year ago. I had been drinking the night before and was hung over. I thought that was all it was. I took some Advil and drank some Alka Seltzer. My heart started racing and my eyes starting feeling funny again. It felt again like nothing was real and I couldn't focus. My chest hurt, I couldn't breath, my hands were shaking and sweating and tingly and numb. I thought I was going to die! It took my husband 2 hours to calm me down while I went from laying in bed to laying on the floor. I finally fell asleep but in a state of terror. I woke up feeling scared but no longer terrified. I was drained.

Then next one happened at work. Same symptoms. I work in a call center and was on the phone with a client. I told her I would have to put her on hold and eventually had to have a co worker take over the call because I couldn't come back to my desk. I knew when it affected my work that I had to do something.

I went to the Dr and they tried to convince me I had a heart problem. I knew better. I'd felt this way before, but I did all their tests which came back fine. I said, I told you so, NOW HELP ME! 1 mg Ativan twice a day, 20 mg of Celexa once a day. Celexa makes me feel sick, almost makes the anxiety worse. I quit taking it but I still take the Ativan. It helps me sleep.

I can get through the day but at night it seems everything catches up to me. I try to lay down and relax in bed and sleep but my brain won't shut off and I start to feel closed in. I pop my Ativan and I start to feel better as I drift to sleep. No one understands what I am going through. My husband thinks I'm crazy. I blame him because if he wouldn't have cheated on me 7 months after we got married the attacks wouldn't have been triggered again. I hate him, I'm angry with him. I hate her, I'm angry with her. I know what's caused them, but what do I do about it now. I go to a therapist. He is awesome. He teaches me about Red and Blue. If you keep thinking Red, all you will see is Red, recognize Red for what it is and think Blue. I practice and practice everyday. I still deal with the anger even though I've made the decision to stay married and honor my vows. I have this garbage to work through.

I start to journal and it's like I am bulimic. I purge everything I have onto my paper. I go through pen after pen, book after book. Pouring out words of hatred and fear. I listen to Blue October 24/7. I carry their words with me like I carry my Bible. I start to feel better everyday but then a memory will come and send me spiraling back down. Now I'm diagnosed with severe panic disorder and depression. They add Wellbutrin, 150 mg. God, will this ever end??? Should I just walk away from my marriage? Will that take the feelings away? No, I can't do that, I love him. God doesn't approve of divorce. He's not cheating, he's being faithful, he's sorry, he's working on it. Forgive and move on.

I read Samantha's book, I don't want to be crazy, and I can't remember when I related to someone more. When she said, it's like I'm in one room and my panic is on the other side of the door, I cry. That's how I feel. My panic is at arms length. I am dependent on these pills so I don't feel the fear. I take everyday one day at a time and try to not miss to much work. I try to function as a mom, but I feel like I'm robbing my son of a real life because mommy can't function. I try to ignore it and sometimes it works. I read any book I can get my hands on and I try all the methods and breathing exercises and writing exercises and all of it seems to be only temporary.

Prayer. I pray constantly. I always have but I'm thinking that the Lord is using this to bring me closer to Him, more dependent on Him. If that is the case I think I can handle the fear. I pray to just know His will.