"He has made me promise to not burn myself."

Nicole Easterwood, age 20
Jacksonville, AL

His hands are smooth,
uncalloused,
as they touch my skin.
At the beginning of each
of my phalanges
lay thick calluses.
My thumbs,
and sometimes index fingers,
are torn up
and bleed from picking.
I can’t stop.
I’ve tried so many times.
I’ve thought of him
and pleaded with my mind
to stop.
I’ve tried.

His arms are free of scars,
so strong.
I look at mine and am ashamed.
Reminders of cold bathroom floor,
mixing with the flame of a lighter.
So many sleepless nights.
So many days of curtains drawn.
So many panic attacks taking over me.
I’ve tried to be calm.
I’ve tried.
I’ve tried.

No one seems to understand
how it feels to think
that you are alone.
But when his hand brushes mine,
breathing ceases
and I am not thinking
of how I can make it stop.
It culminates and I am fine.
Nothing matters
except simply being.

He has made me promise
to not burn myself.
To stop
inflicting pain.
I promised.
And I will
keep my promise.
Because he’s worth it.
Because I’m scared
to say I love him.
To tell him
he deserves someone
who is well.
To tell him,
“You make me
feel less alone.”

"I'd just stick with you If it were up to me."

Colleen, age 15. Kentucky.

Poem: Too Many People

Their is too many people
in this world I see
I'd just stick with you
If it were up to me

Exposure Therapy I might need
but, even after sessions
I still believe
that their's

Too many people
& I feel like I have
no room to breathe

So many people
that I block out
So I can't see
because it causes so much anxiety

If it were up to me
I'd just stick with you
I don't like being alone
but, I would be okay with finding alone with you.


Poem: His Kind of Red Sky

Lying in the grass
Staring up at the sky
I got a glance
Of his kind of red sky


Poem: He Comes Close

You're a fighter
& you've come so far
Holding on
So don't let go now
No one will ever understand completely
But, he comes close
With your thoughts & your feelings
You may be alone
& in severe pain
But, tomorrow's a new day
& it's never too late
To begin again.


Poem: Though You Hurt

Though you hurt
Though you suffer
Though you may never be the same
You are constantly picking yourself back up
& trying again
'Cause all you really want
All you really need
Is happiness somewhere in between

Things are starting to change
You're realizing you won't be the same
Though you hurt & are afraid
Who says things haven't ever been this way?


Poem: To Make it Make Sense

To make it make sense
You call it beautiful pain
Is it possible the sun will come out tomorrow?
Will the moon & stars show again?
Does something beautiful end?
------->YES<-------

"Like a captured rabbit I pounce at a chance of freedom."

A.M. Young, age 22. Jenkintown, PA.

Pain

Reality flickers on and off
Like a lamp in my mind
Sacrificing sanity in the process
I am lost
Anxiously breathing, heart pitter pattering
Like a captured rabbit
I pounce at a chance of freedom
But I am lost

I am unsafe alone
But worse crowded within the mob
Reality an occurrence
I am uncomfortable
Now a light which once flickered
Is the spotlight on my mind
I am forsaken by my spotlight
Still I am uncomfortable

My spotlight shines
When it once flickered in and out
Now blinding my eyes
I am in pain.

"I look in the mirror and I see a stranger."

Nicole Easterwood, age 20. Ohatchee, Alabama

I can feel the heaviness again.
I am driving down the road
at ninety to nothing,
flooring it so I can get home,
so I don’t have to do this
in the middle of the road
alone.
My sister’s there.
She knows what to do,
what to say to me
to make me begin
to calm down.
Even if I don’t tell her
what’s going on.
There is nothing here,
but blackness
and my mind
is pacing back and forth.
I keep trying to figure out
what triggered it this time
so I can know not to do
whatever it was again.
But each time
it’s something different.
Each time the “thing”
that makes me feel like I am
losing
control
changes.
I can’t pinpoint anything anymore.
I can’t figure out what it is this time.
All I can see
when I turn around
each corner is
fail,
Fail,
FAIL.
Like nothing I’m doing matters
and the sea of brackish water
is consuming my lungs
when I am mute.
Like all it would take
to make all of the tension
and pulsating stop would be
making a stop by “Blunt Guy’s” house.
I could waste away
into the pot
and the alcohol and,
for a little while,
I wouldn’t feel like
I was dying.
The offer is
so tempting.
Then I think of Jake
and my mentor and
what they would think of me
if they knew all of this,
but I can’t take all of it anymore.
I look in the mirror
and I see a stranger,
someone who
could not possibly be Nicole,
someone who should not still
be here in this town,
someone who should
be gone by now.
And Jo is the only one
who really understands
that I can’t be
in this house anymore.
That even driving is a task
and my chest is still heavy
and stomach churning
as I pull in the driveway
and try to breathe,
breathe,
breathe.

"The knowledge that I’m not alone helped me find balance."

Amber McLain, age 18. Michigan

Panic rises and grips my throat, my heart. I feel like death has his arms around me, waiting for just the right moment to move his hands around my neck. I can’t do this. I can’t do this. Why does no one understand that? Can no one understand what’s going on? I’m too shy to ask for help, but is it really not obvious? Mom, dad, sisters one, two and three – do you not see how much I’m suffering? No one understands, until…a book. A book gives me hope. Many books, actually. They help me realize that what’s wrong isn’t that I’m crazy; what’s wrong is that I’m depressed; I might very well have panic disorder. This is oddly calming; just knowing that I am not alone in this struggle helps. I don’t feel as bad, don’t feel the need to hide, don’t self-medicate. The knowledge that I’m not alone helped me find balance.

"The tears flow but they do not over power me this time."

Cathy R., age 34. Brooklyn, NY

I am trying to make life simple again.
The panic is constantly taunting me.
Threatening to show itself to company.
This feeling is unbearable.

I haven't felt this way since I was 16, and then 22,
and then now,
and all of the times in between that I blamed it on life being difficult.
Circumstances forever changing. Relationships ending.
The day to day tasks and obligations that others seem to navigate,
but make me freeze.

The walking in circles.
Back tracking my steps.
Misplacing things.
Forgetting details as soon as I allow my mind to wander.
Trying to figure out why I am here and not there.
The constant worrying.
Is just time consuming.

My chest feels like it's going to cave in.
My stomach in knots.
The comfort of having water close by at all times soothes me.
And antacids in my bag.
And the ability to phone a friend.

It is difficult to grasp because the highs are so high.
And the lows are terrifying.

I am unsure if I should go on medication.
Psychiatrist thinks I should.
Therapist thinks there are other ways.
I just want to be uncomplicated.

Do I really need them?

I function, I create, I am a friend, a daughter, a coworker, I get through my days.
I also cry, panic, hoard, have rituals, and I am afraid.
It's all very confusing.

Everything is sitting on the surface and I feel naked and exposed.

When I'm not productive,
it makes me feel invisible.
I am wrapped with guilt.

All I hear is my head telling me that I'm not good enough,
Not strong enough,
Not talented enough to make this life.
And though I know different,
It makes everything black and makes me grip onto nothingness as if it defines me.

This weeks challenge is allowing the emotions to happen as they come,
instead of suppressing them until I cannot breathe.
The tears flow but they do not over power me this time.

It was not always like this.
This will pass, again.
It has to.

"Where hope grows."

Sarah Plumb, age 31. Ontario, Canada.

My brain is chaotic...it never stops...it chatters incessantly...lying to me. I need peace but I'm often on the edge of insanity..SCREAM, CRY, LAUGH like mad. I know I'm in here somewhere but I'm lost in a sea of sadness, obsession and compulsion. Where did it all start?
I see a tiny soul, fresh, new and bewildered by her surroundings. Danger, rushing, fear, cries. Her mother disappears...little soul didn't get to touch her. She was floating in a peaceful ocean then ripped out and damaged. Fear, FEAR rules her life now. Even sleep no longer calms. Such fear, of abandonment, loss, even fear of fear. It's all consuming. Such a change from ocean to sea--nightmares, no peace.

Then finally a light--a hot pink ray of hope. She can't always see it but it's there...always waiting to be freed. It's her natural, pure state. So close yet sometimes so far. So much ground covered but so much more yet to be travelled. The hot pink hope will find her...or is it she that uncovers that hope? There's so much unexplored but life gets in the way. Life is exhausting...too much. She needs balance. The edge can reveal beautiful scenic views. Maybe the edge of sanity and insanity IS the balance. Maybe it's where hope grows.

"Feeling like i can break free."

Priscilla Hennen, age 27. Leesburg, Virginia.

rise.

i live this life
scarred and broken
uncomfortable in my own flesh.
the pain and fear
rising burning within
stealing my breath
threatening to engulf me.
my only escape
comes closer to destroying me
every time i give in.
i hit my knees
crying out to something
that i can't see
feeling the waves
wash over me
feeling the warmth
feeling the love
feeling like i can break free.
as soon as i feel
a bit of peace
the sadness
it rises.

Fourth batch of entries to the poetry contest!

I've been getting so many submissions that I am posting again this week!

Here's the fourth batch of entries to the poetry contest. Check back next Monday for more! Submit your poem by 4/26. Read the guidelines here.

Ellie H. (aka "EO"), age 34
Sadness, overwhelming
Anxiety, devastating
Plans, have no meaning
Decisions, always questioning
Purpose, always wondering
Meaning, never knowing
People, never trusting
Self, always doubting
Depression, never ending.

Sandra Ogle, age 29
American Scene 23
As it would be known, she was not only alive in her own right;
she was basically all life on earth, including mine.
She was much more vivid to the average person
than I was. Around her, it became hard to breathe.
How does she roll? All the way to the top.
Nothing will be as detailed and compact as it was then,
on the days when I pulled the bark off the cedar tree
in long, curled strips and piled it into loose stacks;
one strong, clear vision.

I took the bark that made others sneeze and drew it near to me.
I took a lost sense of smell and reflected on misunderstandings.
I took the words she said and made my own ideas out of them.

What was hoped for has now passed though, and
in place of avid attention toward what could be, I have these
dried stacks of bark, itchy eyes, and mild headaches.
How does she roll?

Carol Linton, age 38
SLASHED
The blood has congealed
No longer running like a river
No longer spurting like a fountain
It is still, hardened,
Like a ruby a - shining
I cover it up, no longer exposed
To the elements of the world
That would enter and fester
Turn from red to green
Don't want it to be seen

The seamstress sews a beautiful stitch
Straight lined perfection
Now all that is left
Is my imperfection
Of how I will always
be remembered of
How lucky I am
To be alive

Grant-Grey Guda, age 20
Epoch of Love
There will be virtue,
Virtue seen so pure,
Pure virtue forever,
In epoch within time,
Time so close and near,
Near to heart and soul,
Soul that seems lost,
Lost in hate eternally,
Eternally in bane stuck,
Stuck for now at least,
There will be an epoch,
An epoch with peace,
Peace so needed forever,
There will be a time,
A time of love powerful,
Love so infinitely caring,
There will be an age,
An age for the hurting,
The hurting will find,
Find that which is sought,
They will find peace,
Arms shall be discovered,
Discovered in that time,
Arms for caring protection,
That time will be wonderful,
We will live without pain,
All will be happiness,
Happiness within that place,
That place of new pure Eden.

William F Dunn IV, age 29
He was on firm ground.
A sudden mass formed from beneath and rose. He was at the top. A bright future all around is what he saw. A rush of joy, and hope is what he felt.
His love pulsated for where he was and for the peak that provided this place he thought he'd never be.
Overcome by his feelings, he lost sight; lost hi...s footing. He slipped. He fell swiftly towards the now rocky bottom of where he once stood. His mind flooded with how things went awry as he faced the approaching, rocky base. An unexpected branch caught him.
He struggled, not wanting to be where he was before.
He yearned to be on top again, knowing there may be a cumbersome ascent ahead.
What came to him naturally, he will now work diligently to earn what once came to him.
"Fortune favors the bold", and he will climb boldly to regain what he cherishes, this peak, with the mental tools he accumulated during his fall.

Maryann H., age 20
Skin Deep
My mom falls back a few steps
to match my pace,
and we continue walking on
side by side
in silence.
She reaches for my hand
and I let her take it,
feeling the gentle caress of her hand
as she runs her finger along the curve
from forefinger to thumb
and back again,
reading the nail marks on my hand
like Braille beneath her fingertips.
She wants to understand
and so do I
as I look down at my hand in hers,
see the bright pink scratches
that I had created,
scattered along the arch of my hand
like fallen needles off an old pine.
She pulls me close
and tells me she has known me my whole life
tells me she has known me for the nine months
before I was born
and that she doesn’t want me
to hurt myself,
that it hurts her too.
I allow myself to fall deeper into her embrace,
fall back into a warm world of
my own heartbeat
and gentle kicks felt from above.
I want to tell her that I’ll be okay,
but instead I close my eyes
and let the world around me be darkness
for a few moments longer.

Third batch of contest entries!

Here's the third batch of entries to the poetry contest. Check back next Monday for more! Submit your poem by 4/26.

Melissa Phillips Martin, age 38
MY JOURNEY
Why is this happening?
What did I do?
Why was I born?

I can't do this
I don't want to be here

Dizzy, scared
Heartbeat
Too much

Normal
I can't be

No one understands
Get out
Take pills
That will fix it!

They walk in my shoes
They know it all

I don't want this journey
I'm scared

Karissa Doll, age 17
Mirrors
My eyes are searching
And they find you
A simple blur in my vision
But it's so much more then that
I reach out
But never close enough to touch
Never close enough to feel
I'm never close enough
The image floats away
The blur is gone
And I'm all alone
Nothing to reach
I can't be let down anymore
Except for the mirror
Another blur
I turned it around
I don't want to be her
I've got nothing left
And she mocks it at me
And as much as I want to
I can't change a thing
I've been tied up and beaten
Into this person called me
And the more I try to change
It's all I can be
And I reach out for help
But the blur went away
And I talk to myself
But I never make sense
And my problems are here
And they're going unsolved
And my mind works so fast
But it won't get involved
And my heart is still beating
But will I survive
I've been here for so long
I wonder if I'm alive
And people come and go
But they just don't see me
They just don't hear me
They all blur into one
They all let me down
And in the mirror
Is where the blur can be found
So I shatter the glass
It feels good to see it break
Then I realize I'm feeling
So have I finally escaped
And the shattered pieces
All look at me
They try to keep me here
But I just can't stay
And I'm searching this place
Nothing left
Nothing right
I'm just lost in this feeling
That nothing's alright
Then I hear a voice
Or am I just crazy
I go back to the mirror
And she says she wants to save me
She knows I've got nothing
And that I made her cry
And when I'm looking at her
She looks me straight in the eye
Then I wake up
And I know where I am
The light is so bright
From the window I smashed
And though I got out
The feeling won't go away
That the girl in the mirror
Follows me everyday
And I know it sounds crazy
Because I'm the one in the mirror
But this girl's not me
She's something so unclear
And still I see the blurs
They pass me everyday
And again I reach out
But still too far away
And I don't know what to do
I just feel so insane
And asking for help
Is out of the way
And the mirror holds my secrets
Smashed to bits
And they all call me crazy
And it's starting to fit
But how would it not
I speak to my mirror
And the words she speaks back
I don't want to hear
And my mind is racing
I'm feeling sky high
And somebody's dropped me
So how long 'til I die?

James William Cowan, age 21
I wake to the smell of rain
Each one dies in vain

The cement has no need
For the water that feeds

R. Saxby, age 35
Insecure
standing like a smudged sullen statue
scrutinizing my broken reflection momentary glancing back
is this how people see me as well?
i analyze, i criticize, i close my eyes
contaminating myself with negativity
like a cold shroud clinging to my skin
hands finger tipping face to torso
recoiling away as I disperse into fragments

Libby, age 20
Rest in Peace
Little girl there's no need to fear
I'm going to heal from these horrifying years
but in order for me to move forward
you have to listen to these words with courage
the abuse was not your fault
there was no way for you to scream for help

Little girl I need you to understand
he can no longer hurt you with the touch of his hand
he's far away from you
I know what he did makes you feel very, very blue
but a better life awaits
so you can stop planning your escape

Little girl you have to stop blaming yourself
it's okay to let go and get up
you don't need to haunt me anymore
I'm dealing with your memories hard core
one day I'll sew up these broken wings
so let go of all your hatred and be free

Little girl you have to stop playing your tricks
you're holding me hostage at the wrists
you have to let go for good this time
so I can get myself together and be fine
you have to stop pretending you're okay
our paths have crossed and I know you're in a broken state

Little girl it's not too late
our soul can come back from the grave
but your shadow is holding me back
I need you to lay down and relax
I promise this nightmare will come to an end
I'm no longer afraid of myself or him

Little girl I'm not trying to forget you
you've done an incredible job holding on to this as I grew
so lay down your head and rest
I'm going to take this painful load off your chest
the healing is coming but not in one piece
but don't worry, I promise it's coming please believe

Little girl it's time for you to rest in peace
so put the past behind you and breathe
go back and play on the swing
remember the days before you had broken wings
we may never get justice for this crime
but finally, you can now rest until the end of time

Kina Nicole, age 17

Neither my flesh nor my bones seek truth through this pain
Deceit seeps through my pores and a shield is maintained
Keloids obscure the voice that you strain
The only things that are real cannot be explained
The clock that you watch ticks different than mine
A face with no numbers cannot tell the time
Past, present, or future were never assigned
A moment lived forever, in the absence of mind
Maggots will creep, spiders may crawl
Lashes locked tight, I cannot see them at all
Empires of imagination are built strong and tall
On my sore tippy toes I barely see over the wall
What stands beyond my sight is something unknown
The option to take flight is an option postponed
Everything within these walls I can call for my own
So I’ll continue to waste away in silence, alone

Second batch of poetry contest entries

Here's the second batch of entries to the poetry contest. Check back next Moday for more!

Submit your poem by 4/26. Read the guidelines here.

Charles Pargo, age 20

Frustration

My frustration is causing anticipation

Because of the decision and hard times I’m facing

Running after something but what am I chasing?

My heart is still but my emotion racing

My thoughts are long and my decisions made

My mistakes and lies have already been paid

But my family I still owe

Because when they needed help I couldn’t open the door

My mind is at a level where my thinking process is higher

I go to sleep warm but wake up cold in a sweat

Thinking about a dream that I can’t forget

I feel pain but I’m not hit

The game is over did I lose or did I quit?

Trying to put my life back together but some pieces don’t fit

I think I’m missing my heart, did you steal it?

Craving freedom but anger I am tasting

Getting past my problems but facing frustrations.

Philip Zyg, age 34

WINTER SPORTS 2

Agonizing laboratory rat in the slush

by a sliding glass door -

a party inside, laughter & cocktails,

he outside, few seconds left

and he dies, with the terminal

image of his female miscarrying -

five poor unborn darlings.

Anonymous, age 17

The man across the room is bending a silver spoon
With his mind
The only thing that flexes is sorrow when I use mine
I take a breath through my ears and the ambiance fills my brain
For a moment it is enough
To convince me that I am not insane
I love you, mid-morning rain
You give me the amnesia to forget away
The struggle of loneliness, the uncomforts of a twin-sized bed
Because only one woman falls asleep here in my head
Call it hopeless or call it foreshadowing
I can’t tell now where I am because my eyes are rattling
There are padded rooms for dangerous people
Holy books in sacred steeples
I remember the faces but I forgot the beautiful people
I have friends here
Around their necks they hang bells
They call this place home
I call this prison hell
It is likely that I am in a mental hospital
But the drugs make it difficult to tell

Matt J Davies, age 26

I think you got the best of me
And kept some for yourself
You took three years of energy
Then left me on the shelf

I wouldnt say i blame you
But youve killed a part of me
I gave too much then lost you
And that Loves now history

The way our friendship ended
Broke my spirit and romance
I dropped my faith in people
And i fell into a trance

I spent a year of wishing
That youd not changed as id feared
I sat at home and wrote a poem
And grew myself a beard

It took a lot to leave you be
And not follow your trail
Or crash your phone and inbox
With texts and long emails

I sent a few of course
No more than 1 a week
But you chose to ignore
For reasons i still seek

I still seek sense and closure
I need to know your mind
How could you leave me sat here
Alone and high and dry

True love waits Thom told me
And for a while i really thought
That maybe i still loved you
Cause moving on was fraught

Everyday for months on end
Id think about your face
Obsessing over little things
And remembering your ways

At times i was so bitter
Angry and so mad
It seemed so unnecessary
That youd treated me so bad

I didnt hurt or harm you
During our 4 years
I only showed you Love
And believed true love was ours

Even when you dumped me
I forgave despite the hurt
And then you promised friendship
And i took you to your word

To be just friends was enough for me
I Loved you as a friend
I was prepared to be your friend
Best friends until the end

On the last day i saw you
When i met your little dog
Things didnt seem that awkward
And i left without a fog

But then you stopped replying
To texts and morning calls
Youd made the choice to dump me
Youd changed and turned so cold

So here we are a year has passed
And im still on my own
I dont get out that much
And i barely use the phone

Im paying the price for meeting you
And giving you too much Love
I simply quite adored you
And thought that was enough

Yet now i must move on
And ive tried to all this year
Its got a little easier
But there something still not here

If you find my sparkle
Can you post it back to me
I hope it reconnects and
Im able to achieve

Achieve the sort of happiness
Of when i first met you
I want to meet another girl
And make her happy too

But when i do i now know
With many thanks to you
Not to get too close to her
Or leave friends out the loop

I cant rely on one girl
To see me through my days
Its obvious that true love
Doesnt last or really wait

So as i end this scrambled page
Of self obsessed old tripe
I say to you my bunny
I wish you a beautiful life

Although you half destroyed me
Youve also made me strong
Despite the fact there was no need
And despite that it was wrong

But wrong or right im still here
And you are where you are
Good luck to you my pretty girl
Ill see you in the stars

Jaycee Rose, age 18

Panic.

I don't know who I am anymore.

I have lost all semblance of logic, of reason.

Of sanity.

Of myself.

I feel trapped, a bitter taste on my tongue.

My mind is never where it should be, I am slipping away.

It's so dark all around me and my lungs are filled with dirt and water and everything else that is burying me, so much that I can't call out for help, for a breath.

They see me drowning, but I can't explain just how much.

No one can reach the depths I have reached.

I'm like a recording, my throat scratching and clawing for the truth to come out but when I open my mouth I can only deny.

Deny that I am so scared of myself that I lie awake at night haunted.

That I am afraid to be out with myself because I have lost all semblance of control.

This had made me lose every part of me that I knew.

It's turned me into a monster, an alien to myself.

To the people around me.

I'm so scared of it, and yet it is the only thing that can let me feel in control.

First entries to the poetry contest!

Happy National Poetry Month! Below are the first five entries to the contest. I'll continue posting the poems in batches throughout the month. To get a notification each time there is a new post, click on the "subscribe" button in the left column.

Remember, you have until April 26th to send in your entry. Read about the prizes and guidelines here.

Jennifer C., age 16

Anxiety

Anxiety walks with me wherever I go.
She wares me out, this I know.
She carries no confidence, while depression keeps her locked up alone.
Still smiles but inside shes dying, going crazy inside though its rarely shown.
Sleep seems hard to come by during the night.
Always wondering when she'll ever change, wanting to escape the tunnel to find a light.
She drowns herself in misery, chocking on her own thoughts.
Wearing her bracelet full of broken dreams and memories, tying it with double knots.
Shes walking toward her beautiful sea, shes wanting to go..bye-bye.
Standing on the rails which separate life from death, she spreads her arms and now she'll fly..goodbye.

Isabelle, age 17

C’est moi?

Who am I? A simple question that teenager’s ask themselves.

Not for me.

Doubts. Questions. Unfamiliarity. Confusion.

Anxiety spiraled these questions out of control for me.

I was just a freshman excited for high school, right?

SMACK

End freshman year and my mind collapses.

SMACK

15 fine and fresh. My whole life ahead of me.

“These are the best years of your life!”

“Enjoy them!”

“You only live once, when you’re older you have no time for fun.”

I thought I had myself figured out.

Lists of catastrophes went through my mind…

I’m suicidal? What?

I’m crazy? What?

I’m not sure if God exists? What?

I’m going to hell! What?

I hate myself.

I hate you.

Who are you looking back at me?

I don’t even know you.

You’ll end up in a mad house.

You are insane!

You are going to embarrass yourself.

-The voice never shut up. It would scream louder until I got in a panic.

Walking around with a smile on my face.

Inside there were tears.

My insides hurt and no one could know.

No one could understand me.

Sleeping was my friend.

The voice left at night time, and the night sky my blanket.

The stars minded their own business while I prayed for a way out.

They glittered all on their own, even for me.

That night when the stars told me to strengthen up and

Look beyond that voice, I changed.

The voice still screamed but this time I smiled at it.

This voice is not mine.

My voice is stronger.

I do things, not you voice!

You lied to me all this time voice.

I am beautiful.

I am a soul.

I am loved, even if I have you screaming through my mind.

You are ugly.

I am beautiful.

You are messed up.

I am a beautiful mess.

You are lying to yourself.

I am powerful.

David, age 17

I'm afraid

Suddenly, i open my eyes
The night is gone
I'm out of my dreams
Like always i'm afraid
I'm afraid to wake up
But i'm also afraid
To go back to sleep

I'm afraid to be alone
But i'm also afraid
To be with people

Every thing i do is with a fear

I walk with a fear
I eat with a fear

I talk with a fear
Being afraid is part of my routine

Every thing i do is with a fear

I'm afraid from every one
And every thing
I'm also afraid
From my own skin
But what am I afraid of?

that's the question
I've being asking.

Stephanie Faith Sizeland, age 18

DEPRESSION

I sit next to the water and think

I think about life

About my future

About my past

And everything in between.

I dig my toes into the sand

And wish i wasn't alone

Because facing life like this...is hard

Waking up each morning

Feeling worthless

Beaten down

And thinking that i'll never be anything more

Then what i already am...

Looking out into the distance

A few tears come

They aren't rapid

There aren't many

But just enough

To ease my sudden pain.

I hate feeling like this...

And being alone just makes it worse

I feel like awful

Like if i were to die

Right here

Right now

No one would even look up

No one would think twice about it

They would just go on with their day

And forget about me.

Part of me knows that isn't true

However,

There is another part

A part that lingers deep within

That questions it from time to time.

I know i shouldn't wonder

Shouldn't worry

Shouldn't cry

But i can't help it anymore.

My emotions completely take over

I can't control them.

Depression is a lot worse

Then some make it out to be...

You think about death

Think about suicide

The ultimate sin.

You never attempt...just wonder

But even wondering

Is a sin in itself.

I sit in the warm sand and ask myself

How do i get happy again?

Do i pretend everyday...

For the sake of my loved ones

Act like it doesn't effect me

Or do i break down

Who knows?

The only real thing i can do

Is take it a day at a time.

It's hard

It hurts

And it's hard to deal with

Every day.

But i'll move on

I'll push forward

And let go.

If i hold on to it all

Let the pain fester

Build up

And drag me down

It eventually will make its way out

By any means necessary.

Crying

Screaming

Cutting

Bleeding

It gets its revenge.

I can't let depression control me

It's something i have to overcome

Something i have to take hold of

And sometimes

I'll have no choice

But to let it have it's way.

Life never gets easier

It gets harder

It's a pain.

But if i take that negative energy

And store it away

It will just drag me down.

And down i will stay

Until i let it out

Until i let it go.

God as my witness

I swear

To take hold of my depression

To rip it to shreds

And to try and live my life...happy

Because i'm done.

I'm done faking smiles

I'm done faking laughter

I'm done faking happiness.

I want to be happy

Really happy

And i will be

I will overcome this

That's a promise i make to my family

A promise i make to my friends

A promise i make to my love

And a promise i make to myself.

HG, age 17

A Villanelle

Breathe in and think, "Everything will stay,"

Lying alone on a summer night,

Exhale and convince myself, "okay."

Struggling to keep emotions at bay,

Anxious that all I love's taking flight,

Breathe in and think, "Everything will stay."

Foreseeing the fees that will be payed,

Trying to keep my eye on the light,

Exhale and convince myself, "okay."

Squeeze my eyes shut, wish it all away;

Too often these battles are tense and trite,

Breathe in and think, "Everything will stay."

Morose when happiness goes astray,

White-hot flames we should seldom ignite.

Exhale and convince myself, "okay."

Sitting in bed, I plead as I pray

For sanctity, only for a day.

Breathe in and think "Everything will stay,"

Exhale and convince myself, "okay."

"Locked inside my head, my body, all I do is think."

Samantha Schutz, New York City. Age 31.

Hey all, I've been hoping to get some posts with artwork, so I thought I'd start off the trend myself!

Below is a poem I wrote while studying abroad in Paris my junior year of college (it's also in I Don't Want to Be Crazy). This self portrait above was taken in Paris at the same time. Hope to see some of your photos and artwork soon!

Be well,
Sam

* * *

I miss home
or at least being able to go home.
Looking at photos makes me want to cry.
I sit in my room,
staring at the phone,
not knowing who to call.
I've already forgotten the numbers.

I have become an introvert
because I don't have a large enough vocabulary
to be anything else.
Locked inside my head, my body,
all I do is think,
and it is making me well.

I am trying to find myself
in all of the chaos,
find something that I can call me
inside the screams and inside
the you shoulds and you have to bes.

I am grown in so many ways,

but in front of my parents

I am still a child.

I am having a hard time throwing off the skin

that I pick and peel.

I am the only one who can do it,

but I can't seem to let myself.

"I'm tired of living by hoping, tired of coping."

JAP, age 30. Des Moines, IA.

Went to the Dr today. I keep having these chronic headaches and feel tired and grumpy all the time. I know it's probably related to my anxiety but I wanted to make sure it wasn't something more serious. They put me on Paxil. 12.5 mg, cr. This will be the second anxiety med they have had me try. I hope this one works because I am afraid I'm getting addicted to the Ativan. I am taking more of it than I should and the last thing I need is to become a friggin junky. I just want this world to end. I'm so stressed all the time about everything. Politics, religion, life, family, money, the car, food, the house, tuition, bills, all of it. I just want it to end so I don't have to deal with all of it. I want to go to Heaven where there is none of that crap. I don't want to want anymore. I don't want to be sad or angry anymore. I'm tired of being lied to. I don't want to worry anymore. I don't want to have anymore panic attacks, and I don't want to take anymore pills. I don’t' want to smoke another cig, or drink another drink. I don’t want to watch another meaningless stupid show on TV., or listen to another song that makes me feel any emotion. I don't want to take down this friggin Christmas tree or celebrate another Christmas. I don't want to go through another New Year that brings nothing new. I'm tired of living by hoping, tired of coping. I'm tired of feeling like a failure. I'm tired of going to a meaningless job that brings me no joy. I'm tired of being scared that I'm raising a boy that will turn out to be just like his alcoholic dope head father, and his panic stricken mother. I want the legacy to stop but I don't feel strong enough to stop it. I'm tired of waking up everyday to a man that doesn't care enough about himself to even think of caring about me or his son. The fear of waking up alone grips me tighter though. I'm scared of waking up to God's face and not being able to explain the time that He has given to me or the child He trusted me to raise. I'm failing and I feel like Alice In Wonderland spinning don a hole of despair and grief and anger and that filth is to sticky to wash off.

I also have a poem I would like to share…I wrote this after I found out my husband had an affair and when the panic, depression and anger were at their worst…

My Rage is Out of Control

My rage is out of control!

Why don't you ever ask

You never ask how I'm feeling

Do you not care?

Do you not feel my anger, my questions, my stress?

Do you already know and you just don't care

Enough to feel or hear, what I have to say?

Love me or hate me but save me your indifference.

Stand up for what you did wrong

or get the F*** OUT!!!

I just need to feel passion.

Give me some feeling.

Give me some emotion of care.
I get nothing.

I beg you in my mind & you have no kindness to share with me.

I read so much sh*t and I try and share it,

But you don't even give it a second thought.

You don't want to better yourself or us.

You are stuck in a rut and you're dragging me down with you.

I'm growing out of you. I grew out of you and you knew it,

That's why you didn't care when you stuck your love in someone else

And accepted the devil into yourself.

You invited it into us and now it won't leave.

"I can get through the day but at night it seems everything catches up to me. "

JAP, age 30. Des Moines, IA.

My Belly Aches Blue - Lorazapam Flu (Lyrics from Blue October)

I wonder if I will ever be off the medication. I wonder if I even want to be. Do I want to get better? Do I like having this as an excuse to not socialize.

I am the definition of anti-social, yet I can't stand the thought of being alone. I hate to go to work, but I feel better when I'm there because I can focus on something else besides this "weirdness" I constantly feel inside me. Will I ever feel normal again?

It began when I was 17. I was driving home and all of sudden everything became like a video game. Nothing seemed real and the corners of my eyes started to turn black. The car was closing in on me. I pulled over, got out of the car and called my mom. Mom, Mom, something is wrong!! I can't breath, my vision is weird, I feel weird! Calm down, maybe you just haven't eaten good enough today, you do have a protein deficiency. Ok, ok, calm down. I'm right down the street from home. I can get there. I can get there. It happened a few more times. Once while driving on vacation with my boyfriend and we had to switch drivers while we were still driving so we didn't loose who we were following. I couldn't drive anymore, I was loosing it. I rolled down my window and spent the next hour with my face in the wind and my eyes closed.

It didn't happen again until a year ago. I had been drinking the night before and was hung over. I thought that was all it was. I took some Advil and drank some Alka Seltzer. My heart started racing and my eyes starting feeling funny again. It felt again like nothing was real and I couldn't focus. My chest hurt, I couldn't breath, my hands were shaking and sweating and tingly and numb. I thought I was going to die! It took my husband 2 hours to calm me down while I went from laying in bed to laying on the floor. I finally fell asleep but in a state of terror. I woke up feeling scared but no longer terrified. I was drained.

Then next one happened at work. Same symptoms. I work in a call center and was on the phone with a client. I told her I would have to put her on hold and eventually had to have a co worker take over the call because I couldn't come back to my desk. I knew when it affected my work that I had to do something.

I went to the Dr and they tried to convince me I had a heart problem. I knew better. I'd felt this way before, but I did all their tests which came back fine. I said, I told you so, NOW HELP ME! 1 mg Ativan twice a day, 20 mg of Celexa once a day. Celexa makes me feel sick, almost makes the anxiety worse. I quit taking it but I still take the Ativan. It helps me sleep.

I can get through the day but at night it seems everything catches up to me. I try to lay down and relax in bed and sleep but my brain won't shut off and I start to feel closed in. I pop my Ativan and I start to feel better as I drift to sleep. No one understands what I am going through. My husband thinks I'm crazy. I blame him because if he wouldn't have cheated on me 7 months after we got married the attacks wouldn't have been triggered again. I hate him, I'm angry with him. I hate her, I'm angry with her. I know what's caused them, but what do I do about it now. I go to a therapist. He is awesome. He teaches me about Red and Blue. If you keep thinking Red, all you will see is Red, recognize Red for what it is and think Blue. I practice and practice everyday. I still deal with the anger even though I've made the decision to stay married and honor my vows. I have this garbage to work through.

I start to journal and it's like I am bulimic. I purge everything I have onto my paper. I go through pen after pen, book after book. Pouring out words of hatred and fear. I listen to Blue October 24/7. I carry their words with me like I carry my Bible. I start to feel better everyday but then a memory will come and send me spiraling back down. Now I'm diagnosed with severe panic disorder and depression. They add Wellbutrin, 150 mg. God, will this ever end??? Should I just walk away from my marriage? Will that take the feelings away? No, I can't do that, I love him. God doesn't approve of divorce. He's not cheating, he's being faithful, he's sorry, he's working on it. Forgive and move on.

I read Samantha's book, I don't want to be crazy, and I can't remember when I related to someone more. When she said, it's like I'm in one room and my panic is on the other side of the door, I cry. That's how I feel. My panic is at arms length. I am dependent on these pills so I don't feel the fear. I take everyday one day at a time and try to not miss to much work. I try to function as a mom, but I feel like I'm robbing my son of a real life because mommy can't function. I try to ignore it and sometimes it works. I read any book I can get my hands on and I try all the methods and breathing exercises and writing exercises and all of it seems to be only temporary.

Prayer. I pray constantly. I always have but I'm thinking that the Lord is using this to bring me closer to Him, more dependent on Him. If that is the case I think I can handle the fear. I pray to just know His will.

“Me, meet WhoIWas – A lot has changed, just to let You know.”

Anonymous, age 17.

I am known: like a child, so eager to receive, I take my place. Like a timeline, I make a mark, so afraid to run out of space. This is where I have brought myself, like a choice I just couldn’t make. Like a sudden break, I fall. Like a final failure, I risk it all. This is who I have become, shattering into a million tiny pieces. Like a voice, just a voice, with no words of reason; like charades, and the only one left guessing is me. This is what it’s like to anticipate the fall. Like a wound that refuses to heal or a single moment that changes it all; I am afraid. I am no child, begging to panic. I am not a timeline, counting each second. I am not broken beyond repair or a carless mistake. I want to be heard, to be understood, even by me. I am not left alone to infect myself, to die a lost cause. I assure myself of all these things, reminding myself when I forget. I make sense of it all, trying to tighten my grip, but there is something that brings me closer to the edge, haunting me with fear until all else fades. This is too close for comfort, too real to fake; too much to handle, too blinding to wake. I will not live my life this way. I was made for more than this. So I take myself away, as I try to heal and breakthrough, I encounter the life I’m brought to. Full of refusing to relive my past – this is me, this is who I can be, free of past struggles, no longer controlled by anxiety. This is how far I have come: from child to years down the road, mending together my broken whole, leaving behind the mask; I have a voice that speaks volumes and a life worth living. I am not a victim. I want to break free of how you know me. Are you listening, please? Know nothing about me. Forget about how long it took before I finally could be, just be, without panic or fear. Forget about the attacks that waged, surrounding me. Forget about how I was on my worst day, or on my best. I know it seems necessary to understand, to see it through my eyes, to try to break the fall, but let yourself refocus. All you need to know is I have left behind everything, all of me, except the parts that matter most. I have never forgotten the way it felt, or walked away from the story I have to tell. I know I can reach out, touch the dark places where no one else can reach. I know there is life outside the cage, and a reason to keep breathing. I know, because I’ve been there. Know you are stronger than you think you are. Know, if nothing else, that in ever battle, victory is on its way.