Final poetry contest entries!

These are the final entries to the poetry contest! A big thank you to everyone who sent in poems and read/commented on the submissions. To find out the first prize winner and the five runners up, check back on April 30th! (All winners will be notified before the 30th.)

Don't forget, http://www.youmakemefeellessalone.blogspot/ is a year round place for you to post poems, stories, and art about your struggles with mental illness. Your words are powerful. Your words can help people. Share them.

Sarah Plumb, age 31
Behind the Smile
My smile
it's my signature
everyone knows it
people compliment me on it
My eyes too
They're bright, green with yellow flecks
Ironically they're more beautiful
after I cry
People are always shocked
when they find out
You?? You have depression?
Surely not
You're always so bubbly
so happy, so alive
And it's true
I am happy
Happiness is my true state
But I have a disease
sometimes it envelopes me
Only those who really know me
ever really see it or really get
that it's real
Am I such a great actress?
Or is it just worse when I'm alone
Probably both
It's always there
like a birthmark
an anxious, depressed birthmark
Visible if you know where to look
But hidden to most
It's always there
Sometimes it seems
larger
Sometimes it can fade away to almost nothing
I like when it fades
but it's part of me
I accept it
I look on it with love
and hope for peace

Anonymous, age 18
[safe place to fall:]
"yesterday you asked me if i would go to your funeral, if you had one, and i said i did not know. i stood at the wall, starring down, and you asked me if i thought it was a far way down, and i said i did not know. your eyes got lost in the distance as you stepped towards the edge, and i pretended not to feel the pressure against my arm as i gently held you back; you asked me if i thought it would kill you to fall, and i said i did not know. i lied. the answers haunted the back of my mind as i fought against the thought of losing you. i was too scared to say yes. i contemplated the same questions in my mind, breathing in the familiar sense of having nothing left. it feels like death, standing so close to mid air, reliving all the moments that brought you there. it feels like death to look in someones eyes and to see yourself staring back, wanting so bad to take the emptiness away from them so they can feel again. but the end never seemed so far away as i promised more than i thought i could ever believe in. tomorrow came, and i need you to know i love you. i cannot lose you. and even though i said i did not know, i know more than you dared to ask. you taught me how to believe that everything happens for a reason - even when death tries to steal you away, there is someone else standing there anticipating the fall, telling you 'i do not know how or when, but it will all be okay. i promise.' and all you can say is 'yes' - to life and to believing in saving a life. no lie."

Anonymous, 21
Don’t Be Fooled
Wow, who is that girl in the picture?
She looks like the happiest person on earth
Huge smile, glittering eyes, must be
I wish I was happy
Even half as happy
It’s better than nothing, torture, and fear
And look at this one
She has so many friends
They look so close
I wish I had friends
Yeah I know people
But they just put up with me
And they don’t even really know me
Acquaintances not friends
Awww, look there she is with a guy
I wonder if it’s her boyfriend
She must have guys chasing her all the time
I wish guys liked me
A guy would never want a girl like me
I’m so lonely
There she is posing on the beach with friends
She looks so care free
I want to be free like that
But I’m trapped by my problems…
And who I am
One last photo of what appears to be the happiest girl on earth
I wish I could recognize her
“Hey you, do you know who this is?”
“Don’t be silly, that’s you…
From yesterday”

Manar H., age 15
it’s murky today
not quite opaque
i can almost see
clear through the lake

i used to sit there
underwater
i used to sit there
fit to slaughter

i’d swallow silt
and bathe in mud
washed in guilt
with grime for suds

i’d seek the sun
and talk to none
i’d hide from light
and yearn for flight

but it was dark
always dark
and it was still
very still

and when i thrashed
the water held me
and when i crashed
the water felled me

one day i crawled out
bruised, sick, and dirty
one day i found out
the sun couldn’t stop the hurting

now i sit on the bank
and stare in the mirror,
the dark face of the lake
and it couldn’t be clearer

the reflection i see
is my battered soul
the darkness is but
nature’s cruel toll

but it’s murky today
not quite transparent
still, you could almost say
that change is apparent

TJ, age 60
I feel it coming
the unwelcome visitor
who stays too long
and demands too much

Powerless to stop it
I can only watch
as darkness arrives
and makes itself at home

It opens my mail
and hides the letters
but leaves the bills
for me to find

It takes the space
that once was mine
and redecorates
without my approval

It moves into my bed
and pushes me over
steals my sleep
and the blankets, too

It will grow tired of me
and slip away
but not soon enough
and never for long

One of these days
I'll pack its bags
escort it to the door
and send it away

And next time
maybe I'll remember
to change the locks
before it returns

Angela R. Kurtz, age 42
Jack
R.I.P (09/26/2009) Suicide
I felt you early in my room
For only you could be
Anywhere that you want
So then maybe
You felt the need to come to me
Cause maybe you feel
That you left too soon
And left behind something
Very real
Someone you loved and
Needed you cause after all
My dear I loved you so
Very much and always wanted you here.
I felt you early in my room
And woke up with all tears
For the one I loved has left me
Here to get through all the years
Without his smile or his laugh
And this is all I know
I miss you baby and I cannot
Lie I am miserable for sure
I can’t forget the times you held me
In your arms so tight and let me deep
Into your soul and I never wanted
You to let go
Cause without you baby I am so lost
And trying to make my way
But knowing you will never
Be in my bed again
Is killing me slowly and I’m
Trying to be the strong one
you left behind.
I woke this morn and felt you here
And the tears they just came out
The way you used to brush my cheek
And then without a doubt
I knew you loved me and that
You could feel me inside and out
Now the days are long and the
Nights are too
And when I feel you here
It makes it harder to let go
And get on with my years
For only I can make my life
And this is what I know
I love you baby without a doubt
But now I need to go and do
The one thing that is so hard
Is say goodbye to you
I miss you baby and always will
But now I have to go
And live my life accordingly
And make you proud for sure
Goodbye Baby and please don’t
Come visit me again
For I cannot take the memories and tears
That come with them
I’m moving on or at least I will
Try and make this life complete
For only I can do this on my own
Two feet
Goodbye my love and all things
That could have been for us
I loved you then and I love you now
And never will forget
But until then when we meet again,
I know you will understand
You cannot come to visit me ever
Ever again
Please rest in peace
And remember me for in my
Heart to stay are all the days
That we shared and a love
That will never go away

Adrian S, age 15

I wish only peace, just a moment of rest

But I can't forget, because I'm a mess

Shades of my past, futures of demons

Writhing in my skin, who, alone, can free us?

Running from dreams, chasing nightmares

Seeking some solace, in hope of repair

I'm broken, unwound

I'm bound to my fear

Someone see me, I might disappear

I fade

I die

No one will care

Yet, I hear there's a place

I can abandon my despair

Perhaps, there's a light

To show me there...

Ellie, age 21

We Weren't A Cliche

She has been my home. For the past

five years, she has been the base I

touch to feel secure. You wouldn't have

predicted it, not if you'd known us then.

I was an athlete, a gifted student who was

trying semi-successfully not to fall

apart. She was already broken, with a

recklessness I envied.

So when my control started to slip; when I

couldn't hide the tears, the cuts, the building

anger, she attempted to catch me.

And together, we crashed to the ground.

The sound was deafening.

And, really, that is when the story starts,

because we didn't stand back up.

Instead, we grabbed each others blistering,

broken shoulders and shook. Screamed into

one anothers face. For years we stayed that way,

through treatments, through failures, through everyone's

disapproval, we hung on. If we couldn't fix each other,

there was no reason to save ourselves.

I don't know when it changed. I really

couldn't tell you why. But we learned it was alright

to not always be in the others view. Today, she's decided

to leave, to move to a new state, a new life. I can't

figure out how to let go of her, but I am her friend.

And for both our sakes,

I can't ask her not to go.

A. R. Fantroy, age 18

Above the Influence

Well it wasnt at all hard to see
Through all those heartbreaks and misery
That led up to this tragedy
That killed most of her family
That explained all of this irony
That formed from that cruelty
That never seemed too clear to me
That was stupid and oh-so blurry
In those last tears I see
Falling oh-so beautifully
From his gravelly face we see
He misses her oh-so dearly
From that drunken party
Where she went home unknowingly
She would die so violently
From being drunk and deadly
That he was almost dead and dreary
But it was just her who left willingly
Thinking she could go on livingly
Under the influence now we see
Leads to dying and debauchery
And losing all that cared for me
Because of all the stupidity
Heres a lesson in life we see
Dont drink and drive and you wont lose me

Amanda E. Mtz., age 16

I don't want to be...me.

I don’t want to be crazy.

I don’t want to walk through life scared…of myself.

Scared of what I might do.

Slit my wrists.

Jump out of a window.

I don’t want to be crazy.
I don’t want to be over medicated or

numb.

Not anymore.

I don’t want to be crazy.

I don’t want to lose myself.

Whoever that may be.

I don’t want to feel like this

Panicked.

Scared .

Lost .

Dead.

It’s all in my head they say.

The Panic

Fear

Voices…

So I am crazy

but I don’t want to be.

How do I live with my own worst enemy staring me in the face every morning?

When the mirror lies and the voices yell?
I don’t need your torture, I already hate myself.

I don’t want to be crazy.
Leave me alone.
You, Me, Whoever you may be.

Margaret LaBombard, age 31
"Back Away Slowly"
It's not that I don't love you
I'm just tired of your ways
I want it all to break apart
And for you to go away

I had to plant my feet
So not to hold your hand
Things are hectic Oh so hectic

So why spend time if all I feel is sorry
That can't be want you want

Turn the picture face down and leave
Pretend it never happened
What ever works for you
Baby I'm through.

Pattybill, age 56

Advice for Alice

A spider

Leads you to a rabbit hole

With

Slippery slopes.

Once inside,

You surrender.

Daddy Darkness

Seduces you;

You fall

In Love.

He doesn’t

Take care

Of you.

You eat potato chips & onion dip for dinner, wear dirty pajamas and push greasy hair out of your eyes. Your mail resembles the Leaning Tower of Piza. Your bed stinks.

Find the window.

There is a sign.

Stop.

You worry about what everything means and the duplicity of words.

Stop.

Trust me.

I’ve been there &

I got out